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Mr. Woodcock (Billy Bob Thorton): "Take a lap."

Maggie Hoffman (Amy Poehler): "Okay, now remember they're all potential stalkers. Most want an autograph and a handshake, but some of them want an autograph and a handshake and then they want to take you home, tie you up and saw your feet off."

Birthday Kid (Logan Grove): "I want my cheesy bread!"
Nedderman (Ethan Suplee): "Then, shut up! Keep your mouth shut and you get your cheesy bread, alright?"

John Farley (Seann William Scott): "I can't make it to Chicago. My mom needs me. She's about to marry the Antichrist."

John Farley: "Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John! Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man!"
Beverly Farley (Susan Sarandon): "Oh, Johnny!"
John Farley: "What the hell, Woodcock?"
Mr. Woodcock: "Well, it's dark. Instinct took over."
John Farley: "What about when I said, 'It's me! It's John!'?"
Mr. Woodcock: "John's a very common name. There could be a burglar named John."

Mr. Woodcock: "You're not showering?"
John Farley: "No, no. I'm good."
Mr. Woodcock: "You know, this is not France, Farley. Maybe you don't mind smelling like a nut sack all day, but I gotta be in the car with you."

Mr. Woodcock's Dad (Bill Macy): "You're late, you fairy!"
Mr. Woodcock: "How you doing, Dad?"

John Farley: "Wait, you have a father?"
Mr. Woodcock: "Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus."

Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "Who is this Genius?"

Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "You think I'm funny, boy?"

Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "You want to wrestle me?"
John Farley: "Uh, no, thank you."
Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "Come on, wrestle an old man!"
Mr. Woodcock: "Dad--"
John Farley: "Come on, cream puff! My legs are as useless as your little pecker, but come on!"

Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "I'm going to teach my class now. Do you want to go to the pool?"
Mr. Woodcock: "Water sports is for girls and sodomites!"
Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "Okay, I'll see you later, Dad."

Mr. Woodcock's Dad: "Beat it, fruitcake!"

Maggie Hoffman: "Excuse me. Hi. Could I get a real bottle , please? I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll."

Mr. Woodcock: "Don't be a sore loser."
John Farley: "I'm telling you, my gun was messed up."
Mr. Woodcock: "It's never the gun, Farley, it's always the hunter."

John Farley: "You're going down, Woodcock."
Mr. Woodcock: "You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family."

Maggie Hoffman: "You're gonna go in there and say something or I'm gonna shove my arm up your ass and work you like a puppet!"

Mr. Woodcock: "That is called a takedown, Farley."

John Farley: "Are you okay? Rhetorical question, Woodcock! (He hits Woodcock with a folding chair)"

Mr. Woodcock: "I read your book."
John Farley: "Really? What'd you think?"
Mr. Woodcock: "Well, the part about, uh, treating others how you want to be treated, I guess that's alright."
John Farley: "Yeah, I sort of stole that prom the Bible, but I'll take credit for it."
Mr. Woodcock: "The rest of it's pretty much crap."