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Guru Pitka (Mike Meyers): "Intimacy is like putting your wiener on the table and having someone say, 'That looks like a penis, only smaller.' (He laughs) Only smaller. (He sighs)"

Guru Pitka: "It's the story of a hockey player named Darren Roanoke, my most resistant student, who become my greatest teacher. Or some such bullshit. I don't know. Gotta go!"

Trent Lueders (Jim Gaffigan): "Hi, I'm Trent Lueders!"
Jay Kell (Stephen Colbert): "And I'm Jay Kell. Tonight is all about champions. Bet before we get going, I'd like to start by thanking my own personal champions. The fans who supported me with their cards and letters during my recent addiction to peyote buttons and Frangelico. I've already apologized to my friends, my family, and my god. And now, I'd like to apologize to Dame Judi Dench for my vicious and brutal attack. I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that, and I hope the staples come out soon. Over to you, Trent."
Trent Lueders: "Thanks, Jay!"

Guru Pitka: "(A clip of "9 to 5" Written by Dolly Parton Produced by Mustafa Bhagat, David Freman, Chris Hajian and John Houlihan Performed by Mike Myers)"

Rajneesh (Manu Narayan): "Your manager, Richard Pants is here."
Guru Pitka: "Dick Pants. Send him in."

Guru Pitka: "Two million dollars! That's a lot of cheese."

Guru Pitka: "I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka. Welcome to my ashram, the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment Organization, or EIEIO. Guru Pitka had a farm."
Audience: "EIEIO!"
Guru Pitka: "And on that farm, he did no harm."
Audience: "EIEIO!"

Coach Punch Cherkov (Verne Troyer): "If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag."

Guru Pitka: "The Bible is 'basic instructions before leaving earth.' TM. Put that shit on a T-shirt."

Guru Pitka: "Put that shit on a T-shirt."

Guru Pitka: "Well, how do you do? Shrimp?"
Coach Punch Cherkov: "What'd you call me, Jagamo?"
Guru Pitka: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome... Name! You are a midget."
Coach Punch Cherkov: "I find that word condescending!"
Guru Pitka: "Condescending. That's a big word for you."

Guru Pitka: "Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you can't find a man."
Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba): "What's that mean, 'a girl like me'?"
Guru Pitka: "Well, come on, I don't have words for it. You know, a nice girl, intelligent, bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack, tight bell-shaped ass, thicker than a Snicker... say."

Guru Pitka: "Fate is a joke. And as I once read on a wall, in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow, 'The joke is in your hands.' Oh, my god, I just got that!"

Guru Pitka: "Nice shooting!"

Jacques Grande (Justin Timberlake): "Don't look at me with that tone of voice, or I punch you in the shirt!"

Guru Pitka: "Ooh, Uncle Jack. Can I get a hand getting off this elephant? Darren, if your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?"

Guru Pitka: "You feel inadequate because he has plenty of clarity, organization, charm, and knowledge. TM. Yeah, he's got a lot of that, alright. Therefore, he's able to say to Prudence, 'Be loving and open-hearted with my emotions.' TM."

Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley): "Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz."

Trent Lueders: "Tonight, game one of the Stanley Cup Finals. L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs. It's gonna get ugly."
Jay Kell: "Ugly. You wanna hear ugly? At Promises, I shivved a guy with a sharpened toothbrush because he bogarted the rehab toilet hooch that I'd made from apples and pantyhose. That was ugly. Over to you, Trent."
Trent Lueders: "Thanks, Jay."

Coach Punch Cherkov: "Alright, guys, bring it in. Let's rip off their heads and shit down their necks!"

Guru Pitka: "What is that?"
Rajneesh: "Corn dog."
Guru Pitka: "What is it? Is it made from dog?"
Coach Punch Cherkov: "What a freaking idiot!"
Guru Pitka: "Is this a dog's thingy? Am I being punked?"

Guru Pitka: "What is that?"
Rajneesh: "Corn dog."
Guru Pitka: "What is it? Is it made from dog?"

Jay Kell: "Oh! I would not wanna be his nutsack!"

Guru Pitka: "Fight anyone for any reason."
Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco): "You just said don't fight... What, it's just arbitrary with you?"
Guru Pitka: "Of course not! But we will let the dice decide. Yes, it is arbitrary! Fight anyone for any reason!"

Trent Lueders: "It's a bench-clearing brawl! Remember, kids, this is not haw you play hockey. It's just ugly."
Jay Kell: "I like it."

Referee (Sean Cullen): "Two games!"
Trent Lueders: "Now it's a two-game suspension. That would mean Roanoke would be out for game two and three! He could play in game four. Course we don't know if we're going to game five! Two and three, out, can't play in the game. He could watch the game at hame, but he can't play! He can pretend to play while he's at home, but he cannot play on the ice in the game that we're watching, which is after this game 'cause we're in game one."
Jay Kell: "You have a firm grasp of the obvious."

Guru Pitka: "I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah."
Coach Punch Cherkov: "Put me down, A-hole!"
Guru Pitka: "Okay."

Jane Bullard: "Now, Guru Pitka here obviously has a plan. So, Guru, enlighten us. What is your plan?"
Guru Pitka: "Frankly, this is completely unexpected, and I'm scared shitless."

Guru Pitka: "Tonawanda street? I know this street."
Darren Roanoke: "You do?"
Guru Pitka: "Yes. At what number did you live?"
Darren Roanoke: "Fifty-three."
Guru Pitka: "Do you know a Dickie Withers at 85?"
Darren Roanoke: "No."
Guru Pitka: "Well, it does. A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah! You are laughing! You see, you are filled with joy of a child!"

Guru Pitka: "What does this sound like? (He makes diarrhea sounds into a cup) I am making diarrhea sounds with my cup."

Guru Pitka: "That's great. Nice hat. I had a hat like that once."
Cowboy Hat (Daniel Tosh): "Yeah?"
Guru Pitka: "Then my mom got a job."

Guru Pitka and Rajneesh: "(A clip of "More Than Words" Written By Nuno Bettencourt and Gary F. Cherone Produced by John Houlihan Performed by Mike Myers and Manu Narayan)"

Trent Lueders: "Game three here in Los Angelas. The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs. They are one game away from a Stanley Cup victory. They can't be happy in the Leafs' Locker room right now."
Jay Kell: "I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second. Have they dropped the puck?"

Coach Punch Cherkov: "What's the capitol of Thailand?"
Guru Pitka: "Bangkok."
Coach Punch Cherkov: "Exactly."
Guru Pitka: "Omar Sharif, my balls!"

Guru Pitka: "Failure? There's no such thing as failure, only early attempts at success."

Guru Pitka: "Get off my tits!"

Trent Lueders: "Well, here we go, game seven. It all comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen. Who do you like tonight, Jay? Jay?"
Jay Kell: "I like the Christmas babies, Trent! And I like the way my skin feels when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket! (He makes robotic sounds and acts like a robot) By your command."
Trent Lueders: "You're back on drugs, aren't you?"
Jay Kell: "Yes, I am, asshole-face man! (Security comes to take him away) By the power of Gahar, I command thee to vanish!"
Trent Lueders: "Let's see what's happening rinkside."
Jay Kell: "No!"
Trent Lueders: "Well, here comes Lucy the elephant."
Jay Kell: "I cannot be killed but with fire!"

Jane Bullard: "So, guess what? You can all just kiss my... Canadian ass!"

Jay Kell: "Whoohoo! The curse is over for the Leafs and I need to sleep!"

Jane Bullard: "So, what do you want to do now?"
Guru Pitka: "Well, I've been wearing this belt since I was 12 years old. What do you think I want to do now? I want to sing!"

Guru Pitka: "(A clip of "The Joker" Written by Steve Miller, Memphis Curtis and Ahmet Ertegun Produced by Mustafa Bhagat, David Freeman, Chris Hajian and John Houlihan Performed by Mike Meyers additional vocals by Amanda Homi and Verne Troyer)"

Offstage: "Hey, Peter, can we move the camera in? All I can see is asses."
Verne Troyer: "Now you know what it's like."