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Mitch: "See you're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass, and everyone knows when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption."

Mitch: "I'm always frank and ernest with women. In New York I'm Frank, in Chicago I'm Ernest."

Charly: "I'm in the bleepdamned PTA!"

Mitch: "Yessir Miss Daisy, I be honking."

Nathan: "He's been licking his bleephole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing worth more than an hours attention, and I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay."

Mitch: "Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics."

Mitch: "Oh fooey, I burned the darn muffins."

Mitch: "Hold on a minute while I pull that out of my ass."

Charly & Mitch: "Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons?" "I took lessons!"

Mitch: "What's the weather like on your planet?"

Samantha (Gena Davis): "Hello girls. Katelan, come help me in the kitchen. Hurry up because I forget where it is."
Katelans' Freind: "That's her mom. She's got amnesia."
Charlie: "Baah!"
All Girls: "(laugh)"

Charlys' Boss: "Your full name is Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore"

Charleys' Boss: "You're an assassin working for the United States Government."

Samantha: "I'm in the PTA."
Charleys' Boss: "THEN QUIT!"

Mitch (Samuel L Jackson): "Run for your life!"

Mitch: "Back when we first met you were all like oh fooey I burned the darn muffins. Now, you go into a bar and 10 minutes later sailors come runnin' out."

The Bad Guys: "You have 24 hours to find her and kill her."

The Bad Guys: "Charly Baltimore is alive sir."

Mitch: "Who are you?"
Charly: "Name's Charly, the spy."

Charly: "Honk if there's any trouble."
Mitch: "Yesm Miss Daisy, I be honkin'"