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Lester Long (Vince Vaughn): "I'm Lester Long."
Clay (Joaquin Phoenix): "Good to meet you."
Lester: "Lester the molester."

Agent Shelby (Jeneane Garofalo): "Whoa whoa whoa whoa! You're standing in evidence."

Agent Shelby: "Your deputy's name is Barney?"
Sheriff Hooney (Scott Wilson): "Yeah."
Agent Shelby: "That's great."

Agent Shelby: "Why is the fire chief here?"
Sheriff Hooney: "Well, he's done some police work before, I thought it couldn't hurt."
Agent Shelby: "And how about the councilmen?"
Sheriff Hooney: "Well, they wanted to come."
Agent Shelby: "You know, ordinarrily, I say the more the merrier, I do, I say it all the time but A murder scene is not really croud appropriate. So, could we just make sure that nobody touches anything. Thank you so much."

Agent Shelby: "You're sleeping with one victim, you're dating another, and you actually found a third."

Agent Shelby: "Barney, could you not poke the body with a stick please?"

Lester: "You doing ok back there?"
Clay: "Well, I'm charged with murder."
Lester: "Only one count, don't be such a bleeping pussy all the time please."

Old Man Waiter (Steve Anderson): "What can I get for you?"
Lester: "Do you use real ice cream in your shakes?"
Old Man Waiter: "Sure do."
Lester: "I'm talking the real McCoy."
Old Man Waiter: "(laughing) Yeah, they are real."
Lester: "(laughs)"

Lester: "Ok."
Old Man Waiter: "Ok."
Lester: "Jesus, how the hell do they expect to do any business with that behind the counter huh? Happy boy."