All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

myblood.wav(118K) myblood.mp3(55K)

Hector (Nick Swardson): "Jimmy! I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood? Jimmy!"

smelllikaawinner.wav(44K) smelllikaawinner.mp3(21K)

Hector: "Oh! You smell like a winner!"

yourroutine.wav(480K) yourroutine.mp3(218K)

Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell): "Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine? Or a performance of Cirque du So-lame? Besides, you're too late. They already handed out the girls medals this morning."
Jimmy MacElroy(Jon Heder): "Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo."
Chazz: "Hey, I was on quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo. But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named."

cirquedusolame.wav(125K) cirquedusolame.mp3(57K)

Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell): "Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine? Or a performance of Cirque du So-lame?"

rememberoslo.wav(139K) rememberoslo.mp3(64K)

Jimmy MacElroy(Jon Heder): "That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo."
Chazz: "Hey, I was on quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo."

creampie.wav(172K) creampie.mp3(79K)

Chazz: "Hey, I was on quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo. But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named."

sexonice.wav(107K) sexonice.mp3(49K)

Jim Lampley: "Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now."
Scott Hamilton: "Well, you know, he is sex on ice."

diaperbags.wav(229K) diaperbags.mp3(105K)

Chazz: "Before a big competition, I like to work with leather. The Native Americans always said that working with hides and pelts releases the soul. These are a couple of diaper bags I made for Faith Hill."

clothingoptional.wav(63K) clothingoptional.mp3(29K)

Chazz: "Personal philosophy: clothing optional."

onmybackthere.wav(167K) onmybackthere.mp3(77K)

Chazz: "As for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone. That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there."

inyoursleep.wav(257K) inyoursleep.mp3(117K)

Scott Hamilton: "Well, Stranz and Fairchild, how heavy is that gold around your necks?"
Fairchild Van Waldenberg (Amy Poehler): "Scott, this may be solid gold but to us, it's lighter than air because dreams never weigh you down."
Stranz Van Waldenberg (Will Arnett): "No. Dreams are in your sleep."

tacomeat.wav(98K) tacomeat.mp3(45K)

Jimmy: "Gosh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat."
Chazz: "Yes, I do."

officialhere.wav(88K) officialhere.mp3(41K)

Chazz: "You an official here? 'Cause you have officially given me a boner."

youdrunk.wav(94K) youdrunk.mp3(43K)

Manager of Grublets on Ice: "You drunk?"
Chazz: "No. But this ought to do it."

smelllikeurine.wav(46K) smelllikeurine.mp3(22K)

Manager of Grublets on Ice: "You smell like urine."
Chazz: "A lot?"

restrainingorder.wav(142K) restrainingorder.mp3(65K)

Jimmy: "What are you doing here? You know I have a restraining order against you."
Hector: "Oh that thing."

looksogood.wav(326K) looksogood.mp3(148K)

Hector: "You look great, Jimmy. You look amazing. Your hair rocks."
Jimmy: "Thanks."
Hector: "You look so good. Oh, my gosh. Do you look at yourself? I totally wanna cut of your skin and wear it to my birthday. It's coming up."

skatingagain.wav(108K) skatingagain.mp3(50K)

Hector: "You gotta start skating again, Jimmy."
Jimmy: "What?"
Hector: "It's embarrassing stalking a has-been, you know what I mean?"

coldgunsoup.wav(212K) coldgunsoup.mp3(97K)

Hector: "Look, I almost gave up on you. I started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know the one that looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup."

killyousomeday.wav(52K) killyousomeday.mp3(24K)

Hector: "Oh! And I'm still gonna kill you someday."

mydreams.wav(333K) mydreams.mp3(152K)

Jimmy: "Michaels."
Chazz: "MacElroy."
Jimmy: "I see you got fat."
Chazz: "I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot."
Jimmy: "You crushed my dreams."
Chazz: "Dreams? Bleep, I haven't had one of those in years."
Jimmy: "Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you in your crap lousy face."
Chazz: "Hey, this ends tonight."
Jimmy: "It's daynitime, you douche."

satisfied.wav(189K) satisfied.mp3(86K)

Coach (Craig T. Nelson): "What's so funny, Cool Whip? You getting a lot of satisfaction from those $15 hookers?"
Chazz: "I'm never satisfied. It's a curse."

holditallday.wav(303K) holditallday.mp3(138K)

Chazz: "No way. This guy could not hold my jock sweat."
Jimmy: "I could hold it all day long. Try me."
Chazz: "Maybe I will."
Jimmy: "Maybe you should."
Chazz: "You challenging me, Princess?"
Jimmy: "I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party."
Chazz: "Then bring it on!"
Jimmy: "It is on!"
Coach: "Good. We're in agreement then."
Chazz: "What?"
Jimmy: "What?"

beenupto.wav(264K) beenupto.mp3(120K)

Reporter at Sign Ups: "So, let me ask you, any thoughts on the competition? And what does a new gold medal mean for you?"
Fairchild: "It doesn't mean as much as winning America's hearts. That's very important to us."
Reporter at Sign Ups: "Now, we haven't seen you in about three and a half years. What have you been up to?"
Stranz: "Skating."

mindbottling.wav(180K) mindbottling.mp3(83K)

Chazz: "Mind bottling, isn't it?"
Jimmy: "Did you just say 'mind bottling?'"
Chazz: "Yeah, mind bottling. You know, when things are so crazy, it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle."

berber.wav(386K) berber.mp3(175K)

Coach: "And if you're at all interested in self-preservation, you take off your shoes before you set foot on the Berber."
Chazz: "Why would we step in baby food?"
Jimmy: "He's talking about the carpet. Berber?"
Chazz: "What are you, the rug doctor?"
Jimmy: "Maybe I am."
Chazz: "I'm the rug master."
Jimmy: "What does that even mean?"
Coach: "Just shut up and take off your damn shoes."

nightvision.wav(265K) nightvision.mp3(121K)

Chazz: "Bunk beds?"
Jimmy: "I don't share rooms."
Chazz: "I don't share bleep. The night is a very dark time for me."
Jimmy: "It's dark for everyone, moron."
Chazz: "Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles."

youguysareateam.wav(313K) youguysareateam.mp3(143K)

Coach: "Alright, this is gonna stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? You're going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to pee together. You're gonna file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion."

horseshampoo.wav(349K) horseshampoo.mp3(159K)

Jimmy: "Mane n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?"
Chazz: "Yes, it is."
Jimmy: "Do you use this stuff on your hair?"
Chazz: "Uh-huh."
Jimmy: "'For a lustrous coat.' Does this actually work?"
Chazz: "You bet your ass it does. It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out on the ice."

coolbrush.wav(943K) coolbrush.mp3(429K)

Chazz: "And then I brush my hair a hundred times with this."
Jimmy: "Cool brush."
Chazz: "Not just a brush but a Verticoli. Handmade in Italy. They carve it out of illegal whalebone. They only make eleven of them a year. This one cost me $12,000 or 30 million lira. Perfectly balanced, low drag, minimal torque."
Jimmy: "How minimal?"
Chazz: "I bet you'd like to know. Hey, help yourself to the Main n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the the Verticoli. 'Cause I will knock your block off. No exaggeration, I could not love a baby as much as I love this brush."

icalltop.wav(243K) icalltop.mp3(111K)

Jimmy: "I call top."
Chazz: "Sorry, I already called it in my head."
Jimmy: "What? No, you can't do that. That doesn't count."
Chazz: "Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy. You're in Chazz's world now."

shotgun.wav(77K) shotgun.mp3(36K)

Chazz: "You know what? I permanently called shotgun."
Jimmy: "You do not get shotgun every time."

zambonied.wav(56K) zambonied.mp3(26K)

Jimmy: "This ice has not been properly Zambonied."

breakeverybone.wav(332K) breakeverybone.mp3(152K)

Coach: "The dance lift, the press lift, the twist lift, the side-by-side jump, the throw jump. All of these are weapons in the pairs skaters' arsenal. And used properly, they can slay your opponent. Used improperly, you can break every bone in your body."

handontop.wav(181K) handontop.mp3(83K)

Chazz: "You know, what, dude, your hand has to be on top."
Jimmy: "No way. The girl's goes on top."
Chazz: "Yeah. Ergo, chick."
Jimmy: "I'm not the girl. I'm stronger."
Chazz: "No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina."

ladyhump.wav(469K) ladyhump.mp3(213K)

Chazz: "We're gonna skate to one song, one song only. Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside my trunk. I'm gonna get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady hump. My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lady hump."
Jimmy: "I'm not skating to anything that references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means."
Chazz: "No one know what it means, but it's provocative."

ladyhump2.wav(224K) ladyhump2.mp3(102K)

Chazz: "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside my trunk. I'm gonna get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady hump. My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lady hump."

whatthatmeans.wav(87K) whatthatmeans.mp3(40K)

Jimmy: "I don't even know what that means."
Chazz: "No one know what it means, but it's provocative."

provocative.wav(61K) provocative.mp3(28K)

Chazz: "No one know what it means, but it's provocative."

youdidntsee.wav(108K) youdidntsee.mp3(50K)

Chazz: "(scarfing down a biscuit) You didn't see bleep!"

somechicken.wav(321K) somechicken.mp3(15K)

Chazz: "(still chewing other food) Throw me some chicken."

nickelsworth.wav(72K) nickelsworth.mp3(33K)

Chazz: "See that? Pure power. You could use a nickel's worth junior."

thatlookright.wav(60K) thatlookright.mp3(28K)

Concessions Worker: "Let me show you something. Does that look right to you?"

thatblondechick.wav(86K) thatblondechick.mp3(40K)

Rink Worker: "That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man."

louisarmstrong.wav(194K) louisarmstrong.mp3(89K)

Jimmy: "They're laughing at us."
Chazz: "Hey, they laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there laughing at them."

thefunkybunch.wav(66K) thefunkybunch.mp3(31K)

Stranz: "Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch."

cageoffear.wav(73K) cageoffear.mp3(34K)

Coach: "I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in a cage of fear."

tryingtoeat.wav(279K) tryingtoeat.mp3(127K)

Jimmy: "Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here."
Chazz: "Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like. Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy. Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something."

skatersbody.wav(66K) skatersbody.mp3(31K)

Chazz: "Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like."

lookingsforfree.wav(128K) lookingsforfree.mp3(59K)

Chazz: "Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy. Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something."

illcoachyou.wav(2662K) illcoachyou.mp3(1208K)

Jimmy: "What am I supposed to say? No, no, you can't."
Chazz: "It's ringing."
Jimmy: "I can't."
Chazz: "Go!"
Katie Val Waldenberg (Jenna Ficher): "Sorry."
Fairchild: "Maybe it's Nike."
Stranz: "Van Waldenberg Companies."
Chazz: "Talk!"
Jimmy: "I can't!"
Chazz: "Relax!"
Jimmy: "Uh, hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?"
Stranz: "It's MacElroy, for her."
Katie: "What? For me? Why?"
Jimmy: "I can't do it."
Chazz: "I'll coach you. Get on the phone."
Fairchild: "Stranz?"
Katie: "Hello?"
Chazz: "Okay. 'Yo, it's the Mac attack. What up?'"
Jimmy: "Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?"
Fairchild: "Okay. Say, 'Oh, my, you're just catching me getting out of the shower.'"
Katie: "(mouths the word no)"
Stranz: "Sell yourself. "
Fairchild: "Will you be quiet?"
Katie: "You know, you just caught me getting out of the shower."
Jimmy: "She just got out of the shower."
Chazz: "Oh, me likey."
Jimmy: "No, no, no. I have to call her back. This is so rude."
Chazz: "No! Are you insane?"
Jimmy: "Shh. She's gonna hear you."
Chazz: "Get back on the phone. Say 'Shower, I gotta get me one of those 'cause I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts.'"
Jimmy: "Um, I gotta-- Yeah, shower. I need one of those 'cause I just cot back from the gym doing my squat thrusts."
Fairchild: "'Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard.'"
Katie: "Um, squat thrusts are hard."
Fairchild: "'Real hard.'"
Katie: "Real hard."
Chazz: "'They're hard alright. But it's worth it to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh.'"
Jimmy: "It's worth it to get a deep burn, uh, in my sweet thighs."
Fairchild: "'You know how you can soothe a nasty burn? Pour some sweet cream on it.'"
Katie: "Do you know what you can do for a burn? Pour sweet cream on it."
Chazz: "Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx. Okay, say, 'Sounds to me like your cream needs to be whipped', and then go... (makes a tongue waggling noise)"
Jimmy: "I was wondering if you wanted to get a snow cone sometime?"
Chazz: "What?!"
Katie: "Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone."
Fairchild: "No, no, no, no."
Katie: "I haven't had a snow cone in a couple of years, actually."
Fairchild: "No, you have to be sexy. Say you want a snow boner."
Katie: "Um, okay."
Fairchild: "Snow boner."
Katie: "Yeah, 8:00 tonight. That sounds great. It will, uh, 'get me time to get my jugs waxed.'"
Jimmy: "Okay. Well, I'll see you."

twindongs.wav(109K) twindongs.mp3(50K)

Coach: "What do you guys have that none of the other teams have?"
Chazz: "Twin dongs?"

crazyenough.wav(354K) crazyenough.mp3(161K)

Coach: "And like many revolutionary ideas, it just scared the bleep out of the establishment. So I quit. And I took it to the only place on earth batbleep crazy enough to give it a try. North Korea."
Chazz: "Of course."

theironlotus.wav(170K) theironlotus.mp3(78K)

Coach: "Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it The Iron Lotus."

usethesethings.wav(139K) usethesethings.mp3(64K)

Chazz: "Ahh! My nut-sack! Hey! You gotta be careful, man. Unlike you, I actually use these things."

mynutsack.wav(53K) mynutsack.mp3(25K)

Chazz: "Ahh! My nut-sack!"

dragyourballs.wav(130K) dragyourballs.mp3(60K)

Chazz: "Hey, look, I didn't mean to drag your balls into the discussion. That was-- That was uncalled for. They're-- They're fine, I overreacted."

iceblows.wav(32K) iceblows.mp3(15K)

Katie: "Ice blows."

likeaslave.wav(518K) likeaslave.mp3(235K)

Jimmy: "You know what I got for my tenth birthday? A six-pack of protein shakes and a subscription to Men's Health."
Katie: "I didn't have a tenth birthday. My sister told all my friends I was in jail for armed robbery."
Jimmy: "When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised to minimize wind resistance."
Katie: "While driving me to skating practice, my parents were in a fatal accident. My brother and sister blame me for their death and they force me to work for them... like a slave."

romanticstory.wav(123K) romanticstory.mp3(56K)

Katie: "Wow. I never really thought of that as a romantic story before."

withyourwiener.wav(98K) withyourwiener.mp3(45K)

Chazz: "So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your wiener?"

didntyousay.wav(774K) didntyousay.mp3(352K)

Reporter - Montreal (David Pressman): "Didn't you once say, and I quote, 'Jimmy MacElroy is a lifeless robot on the ice?'"
Jimmy: "He would never say such a..."
Chazz: "Yes, I did. But I was referring to the precision and beauty of robots. If they had published the rest of the quote..."
Surly Reporter - Montreal (James M.Connor): "They did publish the rest of your quote. You go on to say, 'I've had lint at the top of my ass crack with more personality than that Daddy's boy.' End quote."
Chazz: "Alright, Mr. Smart Reporter, showing off. You figured how to work the Google on the internet machine. Well, here's a new quote for you, alright? Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom!"

internetmachine.wav(142K) internetmachine.mp3(65K)

Chazz: "Alright, Mr. Smart Reporter, showing off. You figured how to work the Google on the internet machine."

newquote.wav(143K) newquote.mp3(66K)

Chazz: "Well, here's a new quote for you, alright? Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom!"

tochazznow.wav(355K) tochazznow.mp3(162K)

Fairchild: "Did it go well?"
Katie: "Yeah, we had snow cones..."
Fairchild: "Oh, that's so great."
Katie: "And we saw this ice sculpture."
Fairchild: "We want you to turn your attention to Chazz now."
Katie: "What?"
Fairchild: "MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand and now you need to bite it. Nothing breaks up a team faster than..."
Stranz: "Herpes. Jealousy."

biteit.wav(101K) biteit.mp3(46K)

Fairchild: "MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand and now you need to bite it."

fasterthanherpes.wav(101K) fasterthanherpes.mp3(47K)

Fairchild: "Nothing breaks up a team faster than..."
Stranz: "Herpes. Jealousy."

sharing.wav(1233K) sharing.mp3(560K)

Sex Class Counselor (Luke Wilson): "Would you like to start the day off by sharing?"
Chazz: "I was just trying to find some peace. A haven, a place where I could feel safe."
Female Sex Addict (Katharine Towne): "And then what happened?"
Chazz: "Well, she was my yoga instructor. So I know she was limber."
Female Sex Addict: "Yeah?"
Sex Class Counselor: "But, Chazz, you realize this would just set you back and further hurt your progress in maintaining control over your libido, correct?"
Chazz: "Yes. Thank you, Taylor. Definitely. Until her friend, a massage therapist walked in the door naked."
Sex Class Counselor: "Easy, Chazz."
Chazz: "With a big bottle of canola oil and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera. And she rocked my world. "
Sex Class Counselor: "Guys! Chazz, I have asked you to leave before and I don't want to do it again."
Chazz: "Taylor, come on, man."

havingsexalot.wav(147K) havingsexalot.mp3(68K)

Katie: "Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was, um, having sex. A lot."

sexaddict.wav(150K) sexaddict.mp3(69K)

Katie: "I'm Katie."
Sex Class Counselor: "And?"
Katie: "Oh, and I'm a sex addict."
All: "Hi, Katie."

serenity.wav(282K) serenity.mp3(129K)

Chazz: "God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend, the courage to go home without having sex with my friend's girlfriend and the wisdom to know that masturbation is sometimes the most sensible solution."

ohsweetjesus.wav(36K) ohsweetjesus.mp3(17K)

Chazz: "Oh, sweet Jesus."

rightontime.wav(53K) rightontime.mp3(25K)

Katie: "You're right on time. Come in."

parka.wav(303K) parka.mp3(138K)

Katie: "Would you like some champagne?"
Chazz: "Uh, no. No, I cant, I-- Actually I just came by 'cause I had something to say to you."
Katie: "What?"
Chazz: "Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could pooka-- poka..."
Katie: "Sorry. I'm hot."

bathrobe.wav(125K) bathrobe.mp3(58K)

Chazz: "Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could pooka-- poka..."
Katie: "Sorry. I'm hot."

sorryimhot.wav(60K) sorryimhot.mp3(28K)

Katie: "Sorry. I'm hot."

fromthebed.wav(274K) fromthebed.mp3(125K)

Katie: "Wouldn't you feel more comfortable saying what you need to say from the bed?"
Chazz: "Probably not."
Katie: "It's a Postrurpedic."
Chazz: "Oh, well, then, in that case, uh, it's good for my back, so might as well try it."

heregoes.wav(489K) heregoes.mp3(222K)

Chazz: "Okay, uh, here goes. I know that sex-- I know that sex addiction is a disease. (he grabs her chest) Oh, God, they feel so good. Oh, God, this is so wrong. Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this."
Katie: "Wait. Do you really mean that?"
Chazz: "Yes, I think so. No. Yes, I do. I do. (still holding her chest) I can't go through with this."
Katie: "Thank God."
Chazz: "Oh, God, what a relief."
Katie: "Yeah."
Chazz: "He's got a heart of gold."

thisissowrong.wav(189K) thisissowrong.mp3(86K)

Chazz: "Oh, God, this is so wrong. Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this."
Katie: "Wait. Do you really mean that?"
Chazz: "Yes, I think so. No. Yes, I do."

yesido.wav(116K) yesido.mp3(53K)

Katie: "Wait. Do you really mean that?"
Chazz: "Yes, I think so. No. Yes, I do."

gotitallwrong.wav(206K) gotitallwrong.mp3(94K)

Jimmy: "You- You- You sex demon! You- You sex fiend!"
Chazz: "No, you got it all wrong. (he grabs her chest again)"
Jimmy: "Impure! Impure!"

sexdemon.wav(63K) sexdemon.mp3(29K)

Jimmy: "You- You- You sex demon!"

sexfiend.wav(63K) sexfiend.mp3(29K)

Jimmy: "You- You- You sex fiend!"

impure.wav(57K) impure.mp3(27K)

Jimmy: "Impure! Impure!"

notcomingoutright.wav(398K) notcomingoutright.mp3(181K)

Jimmy's Answering Machine: "Hey, it's Jimmy. If you can dream in, you dan do it."
Chazz: "Uh, Jimmy, hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal. Just think of it like a boob handshake between me and your lady's-- Look, uh, that's not coming out right. I'll explain it. Call me back, please. It's me, Chazz."

committed.wav(180K) committed.mp3(82K)

Chazz: "I'm committed to this thing called friendship. And I ain't going nowhere. And if you think I'm going anywhere, you're wrong. You know why? Because I will not back down, ever!"

notbackdownever.wav(79K) notbackdownever.mp3(36K)

Chazz: "You're wrong. You know why? Because I will not back down, ever!"

getofftheline.wav(78K) getofftheline.mp3(36K)

Chazz: "I've won a lot of radio contests because I refused to get off the line!"

batmanandrobin.wav(254K) batmanandrobin.mp3(116K)

Chazz: "If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me. That was stupid that I said that. You know what? No. I'm not. I don't think that's stupid. I'm glad that I said that."

downmypants.wav(116K) downmypants.mp3(53K)

Chazz: "Hey, turd-face, guess what? I've taken every single one of your teddy bears, and I've stuffed them down my pants."

heyyikessorry.wav(99K) heyyikessorry.mp3(46K)

Chazz: "Hey, yikes. Sorry."

marshmallows.wav(127K) marshmallows.mp3(58K)

Chazz: "For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows."

missathing.wav(379K) missathing.mp3(173K)

Chazz: "(singing) Don't wanna close my eyes! Don't wanna fall asleep 'cause I miss you Jimmy! And I don't wanna miss a thing! So call me back now!"

loveyouandstuff.wav(69K) loveyouandstuff.mp3(32K)

Stranz: "No, come on, Katie, don't go. We love you and stuff."

badbehavior.wav(63K) badbehavior.mp3(29K)

Stranz: "That might require some... bad behavior."

pureevil.wav(85K) pureevil.mp3(39K)

Jimmy: "You are evil. Pure evil! Your whole family's evil!"

arealahole.wav(68K) arealahole.mp3(31K)

Chazz: "Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole."

ohcrap.wav(33K) ohcrap.mp3(16K)

Stranz: "Oh, crap."

saveyounow.wav(193K) saveyounow.mp3(88K)

Stranz: "Who's gonna save you now, Chazz? Is little Lord MacElroy gonna come and meet you down here? (Chazz flips him the bird)"

snowflake.wav(39K) snowflake.mp3(19K)

Chazz: "Snowflake!"

interestingtake.wav(68K) interestingtake.mp3(32K)

Scott Hamilton: "Well, that was an interesting take on American History."

stoptalking.wav(539K) stoptalking.mp3(245K)

Chazz: "Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Chazz!"
Chazz: "Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!"
Jimmy: "I know!"
Chazz: "We didn't even got to second base. Well, maybe I did. What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful."
Jimmy: "Okay, we can discuss that later! You kinda have to be down here right now or we're gonna be disqualified!"
Chazz: "Katie is not a whore!"
Jimmy: "Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!"

maybeidid.wav(192K) maybeidid.mp3(88K)

Chazz: "Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!"
Jimmy: "I know!"
Chazz: "We didn't even got to second base. Well, maybe I did."

notawhore.wav(45K) notawhore.mp3(21K)

Chazz: "Katie is not a whore!"

okayigetit.wav(67K) okayigetit.mp3(31K)

Jimmy: "Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!"

inahurry.wav(115K) inahurry.mp3(53K)

Jim Lampley: "And there's another unique Michaels skill. Out of his clothes in a hurry when he has to."

capturethedream.wav(157K) capturethedream.mp3(72K)

Chazz: "Let's capture the dream?"
Jimmy: "Capture the-- I love it. Where'd you come up with that? (There's a giant banner behind them with 'Capture The Dream' on it)"
Chazz: "I have no idea where I came up with it."
Jimmy: "Cool."

kicksomeice.wav(34K) kicksomeice.mp3(16K)

Chazz: "Let's kick some ice."

realjob.wav(117K) realjob.mp3(54K)

Stranz: "It's over. All the endorsements, everything gone. Oh, my God, I can't get a real job. It'll kill me."

brokemyankle.wav(154K) brokemyankle.mp3(71K)

Chazz: "I think I broke my ankle."
Jimmy: "What?"
Chazz: "I'm gonna put some weight on it to see. (He screams in pain)"
Jimmy: "(He also screams to make it look like part of their performance)"

cutmyheadoff.wav(218K) cutmyheadoff.mp3(100K)

Chazz: "I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I'm just a man for God's sake."
Jimmy: "We'll switch places."
Chazz: "I swear to God, if you cut my head off..."

itssuicide.wav(80K) itssuicide.mp3(37K)

Coach: "No! Don't do it! I was wrong! It's suicide!"

wetmypants.wav(113K) wetmypants.mp3(52K)

Scott Hamilton: "Michaels and MacElroy have brought the legend to life!"
Jim Lampley: "Scott, I seem to have wet my pants."

thatsnother.wav(80K) thatsnother.mp3(37K)

Chazz: "I think I see the Virgin Mary."
Jimmy: "No, that's not her."

accesspoint.wav(122K) accesspoint.mp3(56K)

Hot Medic: "I'm gonna have to cut your pants off."
Chazz: "Okay, but start up near the crotch. That's a better access point."

thisismybrother.wav(796K) thisismybrother.mp3(362K)

Chazz: "And that's why I was a sex addict. Because no one ever loved me. But I learned something here today. That ice doesn't belong here. It belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father, okay? But, I don't care! Because now I've got a brother. This is my brother! And this is my brother's new girlfriend. And she is not a whore."

smellofsweetgold.wav(280K) smellofsweetgold.mp3(128K)

Chazz: "I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm gonna barf."
Jimmy: "Chazz, Chazz, Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital. Come on."
Chazz: "What? No. And miss the smell of sweet gold? Not on your life."

wannawear.wav(156K) wannawear.mp3(71K)

Hector: "Jimmy, you did it! The gold medal, baby! You did it! I wanna wear the gold medal... naked."

hammered.wav(302K) hammered.mp3(137K)

Chazz: "That's you, the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf. So that the Lone Wolf never has to be alone again. That's how much you mean to me, bro."
Jimmy: "You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?"
Chazz: "Yes, absolutely hammered."

hecctorsplay.wav(1893K) hecctorsplay.mp3(859K)

Hector: "Ahh, USA. The gold medal has been won by Jimmy and Chazz, thanks to Hector's idea."
Hector: "(as Jimmy) 'We did it, Hector.'"
Hector: "(as Chazz) 'Boom! We sure did. Thank you Hector. He did it for us.'"
Hector: "(as Jimmy) 'Where is Hector?'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives. Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal. You guys are the best. Hey, uh, Jimmy?'"
Hector: "(as Jimmy) 'Yeah, Hector?'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'Could you give me a time-out her with Chazz?'"
Hector: "(as Jimmy) 'Yeah, sure. Are you crying?'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'No. I'm fine.'"
Hector: "(as Jimmy) 'Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'Hey, Chazz?'"
Hector: "(as Chazz) 'What is it? Boom.'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'I just want to say you guys are partners now. I've been friends with him forever, and you take good care of him.'"
Hector: "(as Chazz) 'I will. Boom.'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'He just loves food. And he likes dreams and whispers and his favorite movie is Short Circuit and Fried Green Tomatoes. And just watch over him. Alright?'"
Hector: "(as Chazz) 'I will. Boom. You have my word. High-five.'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'God bless you. Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.'"
Hector: "(as Jimmy) 'What you guys were talking about?'"
Hector: "(as Hector) 'Just stuff, you know. Hey, guys, you're amazing. I just wanna say keep dreaming because there's a lot of dreams to be had.'"
Hector: "USA."